There is a wonderful and valuable teaching that comes from the First Peoples of western Canada. This is good medicine for anyone who is in a helping role, whether by circumstance or profession.
This story has to do with the women’s moon lodge…
The moon lodge was a time set aside for women…the monthly gathering during the menstrual cycle. During this time, it was believed that a woman was more sensitive to spiritual realities. It was a dedicated time of soul-searching, prayer and reflection. It was also a time of rest in keeping with the cycles of nature.
There, one could seek advice from the other women of the tribe. Mothers, daughters, wives and elders were taught many things through stories and songs.
One such gathering involves the ‘talking feather’. A talking feather is passed around the circle of women. One by one the women hold the feather.
As she holds the talking feather, she may share an experience or talk about a problem she is having. While she is holding the feather, everyone else listens silently and without interruption. When she is finished speaking, she will lay the feather down.
The women in the group will consider her words and offer their wisdom to her. It is hoped that she will take their good advice to heart and act upon it.
Then the feather passes on to the next woman.
But an interesting thing happens if a woman returns to the lodge month after month with the same complaint and problems...
If she returns with the same complaints three times, the other women simply and silently rise up and move the circle to the other side of the lodge.
They leave her to sit alone to think about her errors and they reconvene without her. They do not shun her, but they show her that they will not waste any further advice and wisdom on her.
When they give of their time and attention and offer their wisdom, there should be something to show for it. If she is not doing her part and simply comes to complain again and again, she is not worthy of their further involvement.
When she makes use of their advice and resolves her problem, she returns to the circle and takes her place with the women once more.
I have a Taoist Chinese friend who taught me something valuable along these lines...
He said that not only are we to give, but that it is equally important to give wisely. We have a spiritual bank account in terms of our actions or deeds in life. When we do a good thing in a good way, we add to our bank account. But if we give unwisely, not only do we not add to our bank account, but we suffer loss.
If we pay closer attention to these interactions, we can actually feel the loss or the gain.
If we give to a relative or friend and the outcome is wholesome, we have a sense of enrichment. But if the outcome will not be good, we correspondingly feel a sensation of sadness, worry, irritation or even resentment. We have to ‘make’ ourselves do what we would rather not. We find ourselves trying to give people the benefit of the doubt. We get hurt repeatedly when they fail to live up to our expectations.
Generally, time goes on to prove us right… again and again. We may try to rationalize to ourselves that we gave in a good spirit and that the outcome is not our concern, but we still suffer loss. These are well meaning, but costly, mistakes. They add up over time.
This can be loss of heart, gifts of time, advice, money and more. Repeated occurrences can cause us to lose faith in people in general. It hardens us and causes us to turn away from what good can be done. The feeling of loss does not fade with time…
A good rule of thumb that I have learned from Spirit is to wait. Sleep on it. Give it some thought... Weigh the options... Meditate... Ask for guidance.
Test your feelings in response to the idea of saying yes and saying no.
You will know in the pit of your stomach what feels good or ill. That is your inner guidance come to assist you, whether your mind understands fully or not.
“Trust your gut” is always appropriate. The understanding will follow in time. Even when you feel it is alright to give...always wait. Never assume.
People and situations are always changeable.
On the importance of waiting…
NO business that demands or urges a decision “right now” is ever good business. It doesn't matter if it's a car, a loan, a hot date or a business deal.
It is a hustle, plain and simple and should be rejected immediately.
When you do give, give a little...and wait before giving more. Wait to see what effect it will have on the recipient. Will that person pay you back or be responsible for what you gave, be it advice, money, friendship?
Or will they show themselves to be a little less than trustworthy? Make excuses? Ask for a little more?
Has your gift helped them or has it made them more reliant on your energy or resources?
Is it bringing out the best in the person or the worst?
For your own sake, as well as for the other person, you must be honest about what is happening.
If the effect is not good- bow out immediately. Do not let guilt or manipulation sink its hooks any deeper into you.
Your guilt or theirs-it doesn’t matter.
Do not be bullied into explaining yourself beyond a simple sentence or two. Ideally, a “yes” or “no” should do, but it may take time to get that clear and strong.
If you mean it, they will get the picture. If you waver, they will sense that, too, and move in for the kill.
Extricate the hook, the person and the situation…for everyone’s sake. Turn away.
That is often the best real help that can be offered.
This is another way of moving the circle....
They can receive the help or not... That is for them to work out...
You have done your part.
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As always… Thanks for reading. Feel free to like, subscribe (always free), share and restack…💖
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a bit of uncommon wisdom
We don’t have to look far for life advice…we are fairly inundated with it…adages abound.
Good advice Debra. I helped a friend get out of jail, but when he soon got into senseless conflict with his neighbors, I had to move the circle.
To the feather ❤️
~~ j ~~
Ahhh.....at one point I made a list of everyone I had helped to no avail, because I found it so interesting that I would give time, conversation, ideas, food, goods, money, rides....and it only resulted in requests for more. It did not result in people getting more mentally, physically or emotionally healthy, nor did it result in them reciprocating. I've always been the "strong" one who people feel can help more, give more, do more, sympathize more, because it appears like I have it all together. I asked an astrologer for help (Alan Oken). He said to me, "only give through agencies, like schools, and social agencies. Stop giving to individuals--you're too porous." Apparently, my Jupiter is a bit too bright, Neptune too prominent....and I fall for and empathize easily. It's been a learning process to stop giving, and become more self-involved, instead of other-involved.